Blog

Kind eyes

For a while I shied away.
Worship made me cringe.
Honestly,
It felt like nails on a chalkboard.
Where I once felt wonder and elation
I felt self-conscious,
Mistrustful, ashamed.
I froze during prayer.
I went quiet.
The sight of my bible filled me with panic
Church overwhelmed me with grief.

You see
I implicated you in my pain
No matter how hard I tried not to.
I feared looking at you in the eye-
I thought I would find judgement,
Coldness, resentment.
But just now I dared to take a glance
And I just saw kindness,
A twinkle in your eye,
Someone who wanted to look at me.
And you said gently ‘It’s not your fault.’

You see,
Those who claimed to live guided by you,
Who claimed to know you intimately,
Hurt me immeasurably.
I mistakenly saw you sided with them,
I saw you with the ‘important ones’ on the podium
Rather than recognising you sitting with the vulnerable.
I overlooked you giving special attention to those at home-
the ones who are too filled with trauma to go to church.
I mistakenly saw the ‘important’ ones as clearer representations of you
Than the cherished ‘misfits’ you call your beloved.
Oh, how blessed are those who are sat at the back with you!

I implicated you in my pain
Because they lied and said ‘God told me this’
But I should have trusted you God
Speaking opposite truths into my ear.
I should’ve seen your strong hand leading me away
Shouting ‘Enough!’ at the lies.
I see you were with me,
Protecting me with your strong hands,
with all the kindness, strength and focus in the world.
You did not excuse their behaviour
You shone your light
Exposed it
Rescued me when I didn’t realise I needed a rescuer.

Lord, I implicated you in my loneliness-
How can someone love you but desert me?
While my head recognised your omnipresence
My heart saw you walking away with my betrayer
Hand in hand.
But no! I can now see that you were shepherding me,
You were leading me!
You never left me.
And you have led me to the most
beautiful, blossoming, bountiful place.

So now God,
I choose to look you in the eyes,
I trust your hand
I rest in your loyalty and faithfulness
I choose to see that your behaviour
Is bright, gleaming white
Against the darkness of betrayal and shame.
Instead of placing you amongst my foes
I place you amongst my friends
The ones who have shown me a lifetime of loyalty.
The ones who held me while my heart was breaking.

Oh Lord, how I love you.
I will not implicate you any longer.
I will worship you
And open my heart to love and wonder again.
God, I am not your victim!
My pain was not the work of your hands!
Your hands lift me high- I’m victorious, celebrated!
You prepare a banquet before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup runs over!

Pic: Jonathan Roumie as Jesus in ‘The Chosen’.

Choosing Life.

I thought I wanted to die.
I really did.
But now I realise
I just wanted to feel alive.
To feel cool breeze on my skin,
Warm anticipation at sunrise,
Days of possibility
Hope
Adventure!
I wanted life to the full!
In all it’s rich abundance and joy.
Life is glorious!
It’s miraculous!
Im starting to taste it now.
I look back over the years
And see a ghost of me
A faded version
A silhouette of Charlotte
And it breaks my heart.
Truly.

I see colour emerging now
Specks of blue life!
Red love!
Yellow happiness!
White forgiveness!
Drips pooling into a marbled monopoly of colour
My flesh has colour back
And feeling!
I can feel!
And I’m grateful to my God
For giving me a second chance at this life.

I know I’m loved now!
I know I’m worthy
And precious
And whole
Just as I am.
And no
I will never be faded again.
No!
I will stand in all my colour
And overwhelm with light and laughter
And all the good things that I am.
And I will laugh in the face
Of those who try to pull me away from myself again.
I won’t abandon myself anymore
I won’t chase approval
Or admiration
Or acceptance.
I validate myself knowing the validation of my God
He delights in me
Me!

My heart is alive again.
The grace of my God has brought me to this spacious place.
It’s so beautiful, so peaceful!
And I will run and not faint
I won’t be buried again
Or squashed
Or downtrodden
My God gave his all,
So I’m worth it all!
And I know that now.
I feel it!
I’ve seen it with my own two eyes!
My God loved me enough to set me free
To open the cage
No, no human can clip my wings again
I can fly high
And admire all that I was created to love
Enjoy
Look after
The rolling mountains
And crashing seas
The dew soaked meadows
The multitudes of stars
The two kindred spirits in my arms.

I’m free to love!
And be
And enjoy
And smile.
I’m free to be cherished
It’s what I deserve!
I’m worthy!
Free of shame!
Oh, how wonderful it is to have a healing heart!
A heart that knows it deserved better
A heart that is tender again
And beating strongly again
Charlotte again.
I’m grateful to be alive.

Trauma’s Ache.

If I poured out my pain
And it drenched the floor beneath our feet
Smelly and sticky
Would you stay with me in the mess?
Would your love for me remain?
Would you see my distress and come ever closer?
Hold me?
Would you notice my wounds and be gentle with them?
Be curious about them?
Would you take up your courage,
Look the engulfing cloud of my pain in the eye
And see me within?
See me as worth it?
Or would you leave to wash your feet clean?

If I sat raging,
Heart burning with pain,
Would you listen without diminishing my offering?
Can I leave my pain on the table between us
Uncomfortable though it is?
Can I trust you not to throw it back at me?
Will you inflict the pain again?
Do you see the necessity in my pains exposure
to the light?
And if my tears kept pouring out,
And the panic kept rising,
If words escaped me
And deafening silence rolled out before us
Would you just hold me?
Not rush me?
Wait for the words to come?
To recognise the miracle that lies in waiting patiently for the outpouring
The unravelling
In giving me space
Room for my heart to breathe again
Are you willing to wait here with me,
So that freedom and healing can arise?

Can I trust you
To stay with me for the long haul?
Can I trust you to stay in the room where my shame is exposed?
Or will I be left alone here,
To swallow pain down.
Will you stay to protect me where trauma has left me vulnerable
Encased in fear?

Will my hurt be too much for you?
Will I be left out in the cold again
To fend for myself?
Will I have to keep hidden
To stop speaking
To stay silent?
Please!
Be my safe place.
Show me that I’m worth protecting.
Would you sit with me in the grimy aftermath of abuse,
And notice my beauty first and foremost?
Show me that you won’t leave
That my world won’t collapse when I speak my truth.

Can you see me knee deep in distress,
So low
Where hopelessness abounds,
And still want me?
Can someone see my complicated heart
See the decades worth of rubble and ruins
And still accept me?
Am I too damaged?
Am I too far from reach?
Am I the only one who
Won’t
Can’t
Forsake me?
Is resting in trust too far gone?
Too risky?

Can someone look at that little girl within,
Broken
Terrified
Lonely
Desperate for attention
And love her along with me?
She’s a part of me
And she wants to rest
To lie down in peace
And sleep
To have a break from the pain
To know that she is loved just as she is.
To know that her future self
Will be loved with healing balm.
Someone sit with her and quiet her
Speak gently to her
Tell her that she is loved now
And safe
Tell her that caring hands are coming
Tell her that she won’t be forsaken
Tell her that she is heard
Understood
Valued
Respected
Tell her that things get better
Tell her that you’ll look after her grown self,
That she will reach peace
That one day she will be able to express herself freely.
Tell her that her pain is not wrong or exaggerated
Tell her to keep digging, keep expressing,
Tell her to make herself known
And loudly
In tears
Shouts
Cries
Rage
Tell her that the roots will be exposed one day
And you’ll help her pull them out
Let her know that she’s worth the graft
Tell her you’ll be there longer still.

Hold onto hope,
Girl with a broken heart and spirit.
There is a place of safety for you-
It’s coming!
Where you’ll be held!
Fed!
Clothed!
Loved!
Free!
See the shoots springing up
Provisions abounding
Snakes fleeing to the sea.
Hold on a little longer
Don’t give up now!
Hold on.

Roots

Hopelessness speaks loudly
When I can’t see or speak or move.
It shouts ‘Stand up!’
Whilst it pins me to the ground
With roots that run deep
Emerging from the ground to cover my eyes and ears.
Tightening as I attempt to move,
Mocking me for trying.

Roots as old as me,
Grown from the seeds of abuse
Lies, shouting, strife,
Broken promises.
Roots that drink in trauma
And suck the life out of me.
Roots that are invisible to others
Weigh me down
Draining me.
They are relentless, unforgiving,
A constant reminder that I have so far to go.

I follow a God who sees the roots,
Who sees my disappointment
As I struggle and strain to no avail.
He hears my cries for help
Sees the roots tightening
Across my heart, thoughts, voice,
Making my arms heavy and numb.

I can see the soil, the roots, me, all of it
Carefully held in His hands,
And I ask Him to pluck me out.
God, don’t hold the good and the bad!
Just hold me!
And I fight and fight against the roots.
Sometimes they loosen a little,
But in the morning they are always there again
Restricting me
Restraining me
It feels like a prison.

The roots haven’t gone,
But they have forced a stillness in the struggle
They have led me to a sacred,
Small place in my mind.
A space where questions overflow from my heart,
A space where I get frustrated at the silence.

But there is a deep, deep, deep knowing
That I’m not alone there
In that gnarly, tiny bit of open space in my mind,
Free from roots, full of good air.
There is kindness there,
Understanding there,
And dare I say it, love.
The love that I had been trying to find in escape,
And now, I’ve found it in surrender, stillness,
This tiny space
God found me there,
When no one else could ever possibly find the way.

And there’s struggle there
And wrestle.
He feels everything too,
In that tiny space in my mind,
Our space,
And though it’s surrounded by darkness
And vines that threaten to swallow it up
It is where he chooses to wait for me.
He doesn’t wait on sunlit beaches
Cosy coffee spots
On qualifications  
Or the perfect partner
On profound theology
Or on the other side of healing
He chooses to dwell with me
In the darkness
And he says that it’s ok to be here for a while
To rest,
To take a breath.

And I love Him so much
I cherish Him so much
That sometimes I’m even grateful for the roots
That led me to the space where he was waiting.
I know now that my struggle breaks his heart,
And I know that’s why he went to the cross
Dying on the branches that threatened to entangle my life,
So that my pain can be uprooted
Once and for all. 

Kisses from heaven.

My baby’s kiss
Her warm embrace
A warm summer morning with the
Sun on my face

My laugh bubbling up
A letter through the door
A steaming cup of coffee
Prayers knelt down on the floor

My mother’s understanding
My family’s love
A word from God
Peace sent from above

A text of encouragement
A provision, a gift
Healing tears streaming
Praise that gives me a lift

A lie unearthed
And new truths uncovered
Words coming easily
Buried creativity uncovered

A hand to hold
A drawing to treasure
Poems that feel like a hug
Words made to measure

My sons beautiful laugh
His boundless joy
Watching his enthusiasm for life
My longed for boy

Kisses from heaven
Sent from above
To sustain me in the waiting
Prayers returned with a dove

The dry land is coming
The cottage that smells like home
The warm embrace of love
I need no more to roam

But for now I’ll sit tight
You’ll send provisions from above
You’ll lead me home
I can trust the currents of your love.

Healer

You’re piecing me back together,
Gently,
Bit by bit.
You, a considered builder,
Author of creativity,
The most joyous worker!
How is it that you can still make beauty out of me?

My heart was so tangled,
Bruised,
Broken,
Like dust.
But you came with your salve and spirit
And gently rebuilt me new.

How is it that my rebuilder
Is also perfectly faithful,
Wholly loving,
Attentive always?
Everything I’ve ever needed
Choosing to meet and remake me
In all my mess.
My gratitude overflows!
My offering always too small!
Just take it all.

How is it that you are able to listen
When I don’t have the words?
How is it that you can hear me
Even when I’m not speaking?
How is it that you can look me in the eye
Even when my face is to the floor?
How is it that you understand
My muddled mind completely?
How could I deserve this protection
When I don’t protect myself?
How could I deserve to be this known?

Lord, I could never repay you
But you say I don’t have to.
Hand outstretched
The blood of The Lamb invites me in.
I need you more than anything!
Only you satisfy my soul
And you lead me to
Good, good things.

Your love overwhelms me
And even when there is fear in the unravelling,
My vulnerability is only met with perfect,
Unending love.
Comfort like no other.
Intimacy with no limit or restraint,
Rich healing oil poured out.

Help me to become more devoted.
Attune me to the voice
Which quiets my frantic mind.
Just to know who you are!
To sit with you without distraction!
Free me from my earthly restraints,
Whilst grounding me in all the wonder you’ve created in me.
Heaven, come close.
Healer, be near.

The Potter

Your strong hands mould me.
Patient, precise.
Purposed hand movements,
The Potter’s wheel spins
Round and round.
A masterpiece in the making!

You quicken the wheel-
Expert work here!
Careful manoeuvring of the clay,
You strengthen and steady me
With your gentle hands.
Creative clarity in your eyes,
The weight of your fingers forcing the clay
Higher and higher.

You don’t break contact for a moment.
Like a graceful dance
You keep moving,
Smoothing
Sculpting me.
Palms surround me,
Protecting,
Perfect outcome in mind.

Even as I enter the kiln,
You enter too.
The fire refines
But doesn’t consume.
You solidify your work,
Not a moment too long!
The fire,
The blistering heat,
A part of your purpose here.

After the fire
My fragility remains,
But the careful hands are ever present.
Carried to the table,
A place reserved for me.
Your work is not finished.

Gentle brush strokes now,
Colours mixed to perfection!
Subtle hues,
Strong lines,
Undulating patterns of gentleness
And strength.
A mighty sea over here,
A place of peace over here,
A unique fingerprint,
A sparkling varnish.
A gold for my inside!
Only those who come close to His creation will notice.

Tears stream from the potters eyes,
Smiling with a look of love.
How is it that He marvels at me!
I’m His work!
Placed close to His heart,
Clasped tightly in His hands,
Held by marked palms.

He looks upon me,
And sees with a sorrowful brow
Chinks and cracks
Appearing in His perfected work.
He moves to a bench
Filled with purposeful tools,
Glue, varnish, paint,
Healing love
Tending to the damage with
Enduring, untiring love,
Compassion,
Understanding.
A determined father,
Filling in some cracks,
But painting others gold.
He smooths rough edges,
Draws attention to the
gold inside.
Bright light shining out now!

He looks upon His other work here.
Pots of all different shapes
And sizes
Oh how wonderful is the work of His hands!
How precious His ability to redeem
Brokenness to beauty
Cracks never inflicted by The Potter
But intricately included in His design.
A kind father,
Trustworthy in His work.
Expert craftsman,
Taking my brokenness, injuries, mistakes,
And making me new.

Held by You.

Patiently unravelled
Seams unthreaded
One by one
Completely undone
Naked
But clothed with love
Adorned with affection
At last!
I’m safe here.

Nothing hidden
Motives exposed
Dreams expressed
Pain released
Sin confessed
You hang on my whispers
And every part of you
Accepts
Every part of me.

Encased by comfort
My shame
Meets your light
A healing balm
Of forgiveness
Loving kindness
Attentive warmth
You search me
And know me
Finally
Free to be me.

Molded to fit you
Lover of my soul
Sculpter of my heart
Uninhibited embrace
Shows me who I am
Blameless
Pure
Forgiven
Wanted
Adopted
Unashamedly loved.

Never too much
My voice pleases you!
Attentive to every breath
My wandering mind
Doesn’t tire you
And you follow after
Marvelling at your creation
With curiosity
Wonder
Running
Loving
No feet dragging.

You close the space
Look me in the eye
Hold my head
Lift my burdens
Release my anguish
Dust off my feet
Uproot pain
Lead me
Spinning me around
Undignified and free.

I am well here
In this glorious trust
And your gaze
Makes me feel
Like a masterpiece
Perfectly coloured
Vivid
Bright
Gentle brush strokes
Strong lines
Planned and purposed.

Your strength
Reminds me of who I am
Your healing presence
Beckons me ever closer
What freedom!
What blessed relief!
Wholly loved
Never forsaken
Trust never broken
Time never out
Chosen
Again and again.

Talitha Koum.
(“Little girl, I say to you, get up!”)

Rise up little girl
Talitha Koum!
Awaken now
From your slumber.
Though the eve draws in
Your day is nigh.
There’s life to live!
Lift your head.
Come,
Hold my hand!

Rise up little girl
Talitha Koum!
Surface from your sleep.
Refresh yourself,
You’re not done here!
Hold fast to my voice.
Open your eyes now.
Stay with me.
You’re safe!

Rise up little girl
Talitha Koum!
Be alive.
You’re not laid in a grave
But overflowing with life.
Such joy my child!
I’m on time!
Don’t fear!
You’re back where you belong.

Rise up little girl
Talitha Koum!
Won’t you look upon Jairus’ joy!
Your faithful father,
But never as faithful as I!
Healer of your body
Mind
Spirit
Redeemer of your soul!
Be refreshed by cool evening air.
Drink it in,
Precious child.

Rise up little girl
Talitha Koum!
Trust in my plans
For there is life yet to live,
Wondrous places to see,
Hearts to love,
Hands to hold,
Souls to free,
Melodies to sing!
Go, my child,
My joyous daughter!
Usher in my kingdom,
Express your awoken parts,
Take in life’s beauty again!

Rise up little girl
Talitha Koum!
I’m calling you forth
From sweet slumber to
Mighty miracle works!
There’s a reason
For the breath in your lungs!
The blood in your veins!
Hold fast to me now.
I’ll show you the way
Through mountain passes,
Rocky heights,
Sandy plains,
Rich meadows,
Rolling oceans.
There is purpose!
Hear my voice raising you up
In every wilderness!

Rise up little girl
Talitha Koum!
The world needs your soul
Beloved daughter.
My treasured possession,
Rise up now!
Walk in peace!
Stand courageous!
Find your strength!
Hold your ground!
I’ll raise you to life
Over and over again!

On the Hilltop.

I sit here
Adrenaline pumping
Mind numb
Vulnerable & broken
On this snowy hilltop
But you never forsake me

You sit beside me
Whisper hope to my soul
Surround me with peace
Hold my chin up to the snowy hilltops

A poetry book in my shaking hands
I read the words
And you speak
You lift me above the surface
You help me breathe deep

And as the snow glistens
And the breeze blows
As the sun shines down on my tear streaked face
I know your presence with me
My heart is bathed in warmth
For a little while

Wrapped up in my wintry coat
Scarf shielding my face from the cold
I know I’m not alone
And that I never will be
I feel the elements
Severely sometimes
But my light is not snuffed out
Despite all my fears

I whisper to you on the wind
A sound so gentle it’s lost a metre away
But it reaches you
And it settles in your heart
My pain is heard
My cry is noticed

Sitting on this hilltop
I see a father running down the snowy slopes
And his son following
Treading in his fathers footsteps
Fast and free
And you too, will show me how to tread upon these heights

I see a family admiring the view
Rolling hills and twinkling snow on rooftops
And I admire my view too
I admire how far you’ve brought me
I’ll never forget your kindness
The waves you parted
The wonders you’ve done

In this moment
It doesn’t matter what’s behind
Or what’s in front
I just want you Lord
The friend sat beside me
You won’t leave or forsake me

Alone on this hilltop
No one else sees my pain
No words are suffice to explain
But you know
You look me in the eye
And say
‘My daughter, I know
My heart breaks with yours

But there’s still dancing to come
Still hope
Joy abounding
Still peace unimaginable
Breakthroughs you can’t predict
My closeness
As close as the air you breathe’

And where there is doubt
It blows away in the breeze
His presence so powerful here
I’m kept in sweet peace
And where there is fear
It melts away in the sun
My God’s hand so mighty
His love so undone
I see a smile here that says
‘It will be better than this’

So as I sit upon this hilltop
Eyes open
Heart open
I remember who sits beside me
When I feel all alone
I remember who leads and guides me
When my way seems unclear

My saviour came and found me
Sat me down beside him
Read me poetry on a snow topped hill
Filled my heart with his hope again
And I will remember your promises Of faithfulness
Hope
Love
Healing
Family
And warmth.

A White Horse Called Grace.

I feel a war raging in my heart
A tussle between bright light
And engulfing darkness
A white horse carrying me
Mighty!
Majestic!
Safe!
Then suddenly
I can’t see
I’m dragged backwards
On the floor
Intense pain!
Glazed eyes
Numb heart
Shocked
No room left to breathe
Heavy
Run out of resolve

Yet
There’s no mud beneath my face
And what is this heavy weight of warmth behind my back?
My head rising and falling
In time with a living, breathing headrest
I’m being pulled backwards
Despair is loud
But I’m held in protection
The white horse laying down behind me
It stopped!
It waited for me!
I’m pushed not into danger
But into a secure
Breathing
Peace.
Beauty I can’t lift my gaze to see
But this I know
This being
This protector
Is safe
Patient
Unperturbed by my fall.

Strength rises again
I feel the gaze of His eyes upon me
I don’t know how
But his breath lifts me
Sets me on my feet again
His eyes are gentle
Kind
Reassuring
Faithful to His rider

What sweet freedom it is now
To ride gallantly through meadows
Over streams
His stride long
Elegant
Nimble
Mane sweeping wildly in the wind
Never slowing
Joy emanating from an alive
Awake spirit
He’s altogether wonderful!
Every step purposeful
Wildflowers springing up in His wake
Unrestrained but steady for His rider
Destination in mind
Led to rest
Peace!
A journey to victory
He’s taking me there!

But then I feel the pull again
The ache beyond words
The void
It hurts
It hurts
It really hurts
And I loosen my grip
The pull ever waiting
And I’m propelled backwards
The shock of it!
I’m in the dirt again
How am I here again!
Oh Lord forgive me for loosening my grip!
But what is this weight already behind me,
I’m pressed into it tightly
Oh majestic horse called Grace
Help me to have grace for myself!
Oh to have a God who waits patiently for me to stand again
I’ll rest now,
Here now,
With you now,
And strength will rise again
Just like the last time.

A new breath in my ear
A sound of praise
A new song
A rising and falling of melody in my soul
A determined sound
That can’t be silenced

Gaze and praise fixed on Him
I mount and he sets off once more
My hands feel stronger this time
My back upright
I’m awake
Help me not to sleep again!

Sped through dense forest
Branches and thorns scratch me
Led through flooded plains
I’m soaked through and cold
Exposed to the scorching sun
I’m exhausted
I want to dismount
Can this really be your plan?
But then,
He leads me to brooks to drink,
To cleansing hyssop for my wounds
To cool shade

This journey is so hard
So hard
But I am riding upon the best companion
A friend who checks for my weight
And turns back
Shelters me when I fall
I’m never left behind!
I can’t hear Him sometimes
The pull from behind feels stronger
The elements more overwhelming
But I will fix my eyes on the white horse
On His goodness and grace
On His willingness to stop for me
He understands!
The white horse who will finish my story
Empty my grave
He’ll make sure I finish this journey
White horse
Thank you for turning back
For me.

One Year.

My God, THANK YOU!
For getting me through this year.
Every single day you gave me my daily bread.
Sometimes in a miraculous way.
Sometimes in a ‘mundane’ way.
But never mundane to me.
It was all a miracle.
All of this is a miracle.

One year on, I still have breath in my lungs
A heart rich with gratitude
A soul full of love
A healing tender heart.
I’m overflowing with praise even in my moments of deep sorrow
Because you sit with me.
You always have.
And my treasure is you, still you.
My kind, faithful, gentle God.

One year of freedom
But you are still teaching me how to live free
You renew my mind
Counsel my heart
Remind me to drop perfectionism
Laugh at my jokes
Pick me up after falls
And more falls
And more falls.
Fierce understanding and patience
You’ve seen all my trauma
You lived it with me, and felt it,
You’ve been ever present,
Ever suffering with me
And your presence meant the world.
It still does.

One year into mummy-ing alone
Except I’m never alone
And you make sure of it.
Never lonely for too long
You prompt my hand to reach out
And I feel your presence in the love of my family
In my sweet friends.
And in the depths of night when panic arises
You always notice
And when my breaths are coming too fast
It’s your presence that calms me
You know just how to settle me

One year on
Most of all, I’m grateful for you
You who knew I’d need babies to look after and cuddle
You who knew I needed someone who understood trauma inside and out
You who knew I needed family close by
And a school run lined with flowers
A bridge overlooking foxes
A yellow kitchen
A coffee machine
A kitten in the therapy waiting room
And a bed big enough for all of us.

And in the storm and desperation one year ago
You said ‘no’ to my prayers
You seemed silent sometimes too,
But you knew better
You always will.
And so for all my days
Mountains high
Valleys low
My heart will always be yours
You who held my year
In deep love
Who brought beauty from ashes
And turned mourning into dancing
You who held me in compassion
And took on my intense pain as if it were yours to bear
Lord you picked me up this year
And you championed me
And raised me high
Drew me close to your heart
Reminded me of your unfailing commitment
And your unending love

I’m so grateful for my God.

Fixed on You.

Don’t let me lose myself
In overthinking.
Or even worse,
Lose you in confused theology.
Let my eyes be fixed on
Your kind eyes.
Your soft smile.
Let my heart be consumed
By your scarred palm,
Tightly enclosed on mine.

Don’t let the world
And all its busy ways,
Distract me from the whisper
That speaks belovedness to my soul.
Don’t let the noise,
The chaos of my goals
Dreams
Desires
A fixation on figuring things out
Steal me away from my first
Sacred love.

Don’t let my heart grow hard
Protecting itself from the
Hurt
Disappointment
Pain.
Lift me, cowering in the corner
And remind me gently,
That you were never the one
To mistreat me,
Mislead me,
Betray me.
You lead me to wide open spaces
Where I can lie down on the soft grass,
Rays warming my face.
Lord I’m so so thankful for this Peace.
Help me to lean in to you,
To trust you,
Even in my mistrust of the world.

Don’t let the effects of trauma,
The numbness,
The hopelessness,
The fog that engulfs my mind,
Dim the shining bright light
I know you gifted me long ago.
May my pain lift you higher
Just as you lifted me from the pit.
Would you awaken me,
By your miraculous,
Wondrous touch.
Breathe life into me again-
Fluent thought!
Fluent speech!
Fluent song!

Don’t let lies speak louder
Than the truths you speak.
I’m outrageously loved!
Washed whiter than snow!
Child of God!
Friend of God!
Someone worth dying for.
How glorious to know that
There is more to learn and believe
More to discover and know
Really know
Even beyond understanding.

But don’t let me waste a second apart from you.
Let my focus be solely on you.
Don’t let me get distracted!
I’ve tasted and seen,
You!
In your wondrous glory.
I will never forget
Who is holding me,
Sustaining me,
Loving me.

Winter in my Heart.

My heart longs for summer-
Blossoming, bright, beautiful.
Warm sunlight on my skin,
Comfort seeping in.
I try to usher it towards me,
But it can’t be persuaded.

Can I at least have spring?
Green shoots emerging,
Hope for brighter days,
New life, refreshing breeze!
I try to persuade it to visit,
But it just won’t arrive.

Could I at least have autumn?
Colour on the path before me,
The frost won’t quite bite.
I could make myself cosy here,
A steaming cup,
A knitted scarf.
I try to look for Autumn,
But it’s nowhere to be seen.

Why must I be in winter?
The days are so long!
I look upon the horizon and see
Bleakness, barrenness,
And hopelessness prevails.
The cold is biting,
Nothing warms the chill.
I try to push winter away,
But it doesn’t budge.

No matter how hard I think
Or plan, or beg,
I am where I am,
And it’s winter.
No perspective change,
Person, provision,
Can drag me into spring.

There’s a time for winter,
It can’t be rushed,
Or sped along in haste.
The branches are bare,
The nights are long,
My path is slippery,
The view is dark.
Life seems so far away,
And it is what it is.
It’s winter.

But my heart,
Please stop and consider,
The rhythm of the earth.
It has no fret, no rush, no fear,
As seasons come and go.
A symphony of purposed friends,
The four seasons do not rush.
They give space,
And time,
And patience.
They take it in turns.

I mustn’t rush winter.
Leafy abundance no longer blocks my view.
I see far into the forest, further than before.
I get perspective here,
See important things,
See that life is found above.
I can feel my beating heart,
See my breath,
Warm my toes.
And I can know that even if life feels distant,
There is still a fire burning within.

Winter is for rekindling the flame,
Skilful protection of our spirit.
Holding fast when lack abounds,
Noticing His light when darkness surrounds.
It’s for tight fists on promises,
And prayers on our knees.
It’s for breathing through panic,
Knowing that Christ is sat holding me.

Winter, I don’t enjoy you,
But I need you.
You’re uncomfortable,
But there is mercy contained within you.
You have made me seek God.
You have realigned me.
You have awakened me.
Held me still, yet shaken me up.

Winter, the less I rush you,
The fonder of you I become.
You lead me to my Saviour.
You push me out to greater depths.
You challenge and correct.
You refine and mould.

Springtime will come,
And I will lie with daisies in the dewy grass.
Summertime will arrive,
And the yellow buttercups will abound!
But for now I’m in winter,
And it is what it is.
I will look to you here.
I won’t rush.
I will find your beauty here.

Healing Trauma is Everyone’s Business

Healing Trauma is everyone’s business.
It’s a married couple saying ‘Come sit with us.’
It’s a hug, just because
It’s an apology
A text saying ‘I miss you’
It’s following through with promises,
It’s a friend dropping in waterproof mascara
A word of encouragement
A sister putting the kids to bed
A doctor putting their hand on your shoulder as you cry.

It’s a wave across the road
A remembering my name
An impromptu invite
A face mask in the post.
A ‘Have you eaten today?’
It’s a school drop off when I’m unwell
A compliment on my coat.

It’s the neighbour who weeds my front garden,
A coffee date invite
A ‘Have a lovely day’ from the barista,
A flower cutting on my doorstep
A meal for the freezer.
It’s someone asking my opinion
It’s someone saying ‘That’s a good idea.’

It’s an extension of a deadline
A checking in text when I haven’t replied.
It’s encouragement about my writing
It’s someone saying ‘You should write a book’
A person saying ‘Me too.’
It’s eye contact
A voice note over WhatsApp,
It’s focused listening
It’s holding my hand and crying with me,
It’s someone saying ‘It’s your choice’
And ‘You don’t deserve this pain’.

It’s the elderly man saying ‘Hello’ every time I drop the kids to school
It’s artwork from a friend
My daughters kiss on my shoulder as I rock her to sleep
My son putting a plaster wonkily on my knee.
It’s a supportive job coach
An ‘Is there anything else you need?’
It’s a refusal to take ‘I’m ok’ at face value,
It’s a remembering my birthday.
A ‘Take your time’ when I stutter
It’s an ‘I’m putting you first’
It’s an ‘I’m not going anywhere’
It’s asking me about my favourite things
It’s speaking hope
And saying ‘I love you’
And texting me first.

Healing Trauma is everyone’s business.
When the survivor has been told
Over and over and over
That they don’t matter
That their voice is pointless
Their presence worthless,
Their burden overwhelming,
It’s you showing kindness,
It’s you lifting your eyes away from agenda and demand
To show that person that they matter
That they are seen
And known
And loved
It’s your actions saying
‘It is worth you being here.’

Held

You hold little me
In the palm of your left hand.
And when I mindlessly walk off,
Dazed and distracted,
You catch me with your right one.

When I flail around in confusion,
Falling towards the edge of your hand,
You manoeuvre your palm this way
And that,
Steadying my feet with great delight.

When I mess up,
And cling to the underside of your hand,
You know exactly where I’m hiding.
You gently seek me out,
And remind me that I still belong.

You pick me up
In hands that could crush me,
But you choose to hold me
And protect me.
You close your fingers around me,
Make me feel safe for a while.
Then you open your hands,
And you delight as I bask
In the light of your face.

In my wrongdoing,
You do not cast me off
Into the cold.
When I turn my face away
In selfishness,
You do not bear your heavy weight on me.
Instead you surround me
With your forgiving hand,
In warmth
Closeness
And grace.

From my first inhale,
Your hands have held me,
Guided me,
Loved me,
And been faithful to me.
Your grip on me
Unchanging.

I make home in hands that bled for me
So that they could hold me.
I find peace in the hands
That bore the weight of my sin,
So that they could hold me to the light.

Hear the Father’s triumphant cry
“Oh Charlotte,
My loving hands are your hope!
I will not swipe you
Or whip you
Or punish you
Or point harshly
Or blame
Or count your sin!
For my hands were whipped
And punished
And blamed
And nailed to a cross
So that you could make home here!
In my loving hands!
Held in peace forevermore!”

The Shattering

I was once sat
On a calm
Glistening
Sea of glass.
I perceived it to be
Serene and beautiful
Holy and calm.
I remember the soft breeze skating
Along the perfect,
Untarnished glass.

But little did I see
The cracks appearing.
Instability rising.
My body sensed the tremors
And my heart felt the unsettled
Rhythms of the deep, deep
Troubles below.
But I resisted
I checked
I cleaned
I varnished
I polished
Desperately hoping!
But the wind across the expanse of glass
Was picking up.

And then,
Without warning,
The glass shattered.
It tore my skin
Ripped my heart
And plunged me into the raging sea below.
My breath pulled out of me.
The icy exposure
Causing me to gasp
Fight
Drown.
Moments of silence as I resign myself to fate
And moments of emerging
A fighting breath
A clinging on to the glass that was so mindlessly floating away.
But it just cut me once more
And I knew,
Deep down,
That it was gone.

And I cried
Hold still!
Don’t move me!
Don’t try to pull me to the surface
Where shards of glass
Are waiting to dig deep
Again.

The elements
Once so comforting and friendly
Were harsh
Biting.
And I sensed for the first time
My naked vulnerability.
But look at me now!
I’m still alive.
My rapid heartbeat resounds
My chest expands and falls with the waves
Fast breaths
Primal instincts returned.
I need attachment again!
Safety again!
Comfort again!

In the thrashing
I notice myself once more.
I look to my mind
Sharp and clear
To my arms and legs
Strong and purposeful
To my determined breath
Hoping for life.
And I recognise
There must be a point to this.
A reality greater than the fragile
Numb comforts I trusted before.

So I keep swimming
And life in all it’s fullness,
In all its peace and tragedy
Hits me.
A war in the waters
Of rising and falling
Crashing and calming
Moments of serenity
Engulfed by frightening
Towering waters
Swallowing me
Spitting me out.
And I recognise that life in its most basic form
Is here with me.
It’s raw, uncomplicated self
Is holding me
Moving me
Moulding me.

And in my choosing
To submit to this sea of grief,
It’s holding of me in all its enormity
And ferocious depths,
I find myself floating towards
Clear waters
A warm breeze
And life begins to swim around me again.
And there,
Out of the deep blue
Comes a glass, glistening ledge
A different one
One attached to land,
To truth and stability and
Good, good things.
And I find arms pulling me up,
Speaking kindly to me
‘Courageous one, it’s time to rest now’
‘None of this was your fault’
‘You’re OK now’
‘You’re safe now’
The former Charlotte has passed away into the sea,
And the new has come.

Seen by Sunlight

In the dewy woodland
There lies a bluebell.
Bowed down
In bright beauty,
Blossoming just in time,
Dressed in bold blue
Amongst a lawn of
Resting wildflowers.

On a sunlit mountainside
There sits a marigold.
Meek yet majestic,
Bathing its golden petals
In a glistening misty haze,
Rising from the
Meandering river below.

Down in the valley
A poppy stands proudly.
Effortlessly pretty,
Drinking in peacefulness,
Colour soaked perfection-
Red, orange, pink!
A playful display
With nothing to prove.

In the castle grounds,
A pink tipped daisy
Dances daintily as the
Daylight rolls in.
Dressed in dazzling white,
A youthful yellow,
Resting amongst thousands
Yet directing it’s days eye
To the light.

In the sprawling meadows
Sunflowers stand tall,
Irises stand small,
Yet light reaches both
Just the same.
No eye looks upon
The daisies dancing,
The poppies playing,
The beauty of the bluebells,
The mist coated marigolds.

Yet as Earth springs with colour,
Sunlight beckons each flower-
Look to me!
You’re just as loved as the next!
Bask in my light,
Seek alone my delight.
You’re always in my sight!
My beloved wildflower.

John

My Jesus,
The only perfect man.
Holy and righteous Son of God,
My friend!
I’ve been preparing the way for you,
But now I submerse you in water.
It rushes over your face,
I see you there,
Held beneath the glistening water,
And baptise you.
I hold holy submission personified,
My hands touch stunning humility,
A perfect love preparing the way,
For me.
For us.

I pull you out of the Jordan river,
My Jesus,
The One whose sandals I’m unworthy to untie!
Unspeakable peace rushes in,
God’s spirit like a dove
A loving voice resonating
This is my son!
With whom I’m well pleased!
Immeasurable love!
Dance of the trinity on full display.
A saviour who shows us the way-
Be buried with me,
Be born again!

Jesus,
A holy man,
Bright and pure even on entry
To the rippling Jordan river.
But Lord, you take our place!
Extravagant kindness,
Wonderful Shepherd,
You make our path clear-
Baptise us too!
Lift us up into your arms,
Raise us to peace.

I see your hand,
Gripping tightly onto mine.
We steady each other
In this cold, Jordan river.
I hold the hand that will be pierced,
You’ll take my place yet again.
My heart weeps!
I want to look away.
I won’t be able to hold you,
My Lord!
Or raise you up,
Or steady you,
On that dreadful day.

But Lord,
Just as I have prepared the way for you,
Shouting your name in the wilderness,
You, in your unmerited kindness,
An undeserved outpouring of grace,
Prepare the way for us.
You die in my place,
The sin of the very one who baptised you
On your heavy laden shoulders.
But on the third day,
You’ll open the grave I was destined for!

Because of you Jesus,
Preparing the way in our wilderness,
We are held forevermore!
Steadied forevermore!
Forgiven forevermore!
Righteous forevermore!
And raised to loving glory
To dance the dance of all dances.

This moment.

I wish I could keep this moment in a box forever
To re-live it whenever I want
To breathe it in.

The slowly shutting eyes as you feed to sleep
Your sweet smelling head and rosebud lips
Your warm kissable cheeks as you wake
Your hands tight grip
Your eyes locked on mine.

I wish I could keep this moment safe forever
But as time passes you grow and I will rejoice 
Because you are the greatest gift 
And you are my boy forever.

I wish I could keep this moment tightly close always 
The feel of your light weight against me 
The sight of you holding your feet for the first time
Smiling up at me
Looking for me for reassurance at the littlest noises.

With every laugh I feel that time is slipping away 
But you’re getting wiser
Even fuller with life’s joy 
So I’ll rejoice.
But you will always be my baby 
And in my heart
you will always be
The greatest gift.

I wish I could keep this moment forever 
The sound of you awaking 
The sound of you finding your voice
Please never fade from my mind
I want to keep them forever 
Unendingly precious
My sweet boy 
You are my greatest gift.

I wish I could keep you in my arms forever 
Held tightly against my skin 
Your tiny hands against my face 
Your button nose
Your perfect little ears
You are a perfect creation
I wish I could stay in this moment 
I want to stay right here 
I want to always have you near.

Please pause.
Time stop passing 
I want to breathe this in
This intense love
This fierce protection
This immeasurable admiration 
This rich gratitude
My God! You have given me
The greatest gift.

God please box this moment 
And help me remember it forever 
I will not be afraid of this moment passing,
Because there is no loss, only gain 
As you grow and thrive and smile
And become you 
My sweet Isaac
My baby forever 
Each moment is unendingly sweet 
When spent with you.

My greatest gift. 

Anger turned inward.

“You must be so angry!” she said.

And I replied, “No, I actually don’t feel like I’ve got to that stage yet. I just feel numb.”

But then today I realised, I am seething. I am so angry. I’ve been so angry for years. But I’m not angry at anyone in particular, not even the ones who have hurt me so badly. There is just a void of nothingness between me and them, where I should find the anger sitting.

I have often thought to myself, “Wow, I must be such a forgiving person. How have I coped so well with how they hurt me?”

But I realised today that I have turned all my anger inward. For years I’ve barraged myself with a tonne of anger without realising, berating myself for any perceived mistakes or imperfections, being highly critical of myself, and becoming self-destructive.

There are many of us who find ourselves unable to express our anger healthily during childhood. This is often a form of self-protection. Our anger won’t be received well by our caregivers- we may get hurt more, or misunderstood. When we hold onto anger and we are unable to communicate our hurt, we either become bitter towards those we are angry at, or we turn our anger in on ourselves.

I remember an episode of childhood bullying that still stings to this day even after a lot of processing. It stings because I see it as the start of an inner narrative that I still struggle with now- “There must be something wrong with me.” We want to find explanations for why we are being hurt so badly. Unfortunately, like many do, instead of realising the perpetrators of pain were utterly wrong and selfish, I came to the conclusion that I was set apart because there was something very wrong with me.

This narrative continued- further childhood trauma added to my self-belief that I wasn’t good enough. As a child you don’t realise that you are being unjustly treated- you think that the treatment you get is the treatment you deserve. You don’t realise that you are being misunderstood- you think that you just don’t make sense as a person. You don’t realise that you are still learning/maturing and the criticism is unjust- you just think that you are weak, unable to cope and awfully unequipped for life. I felt such distress at home and such anger, but I swallowed it down in fear and it settled in my heart.

Many people who suffer childhood trauma describe a numbness when recounting their past and they are able to describe their experiences so eloquently and calmly. But I’ve discovered that many of these people also struggle hugely with self-harm, suicidal tendencies and poor self-image. Whilst being the loveliest, gentlest people towards others (because they never want people to experience the cruelty they did), they struggle to act with any positivity or gentleness towards themselves. When something goes wrong in their lives, the default position they go to is ‘self-destruct mode’, almost as if the anger that should be directed outwards to the situation, automatically turns inwards towards the self. In fact, major depression has been termed as ‘anger turned inward’, and I think this is such a good way to describe it.

I remember an occasion during university where I took a large overdose of antidepressant tablets. An ambulance and many tests later, I woke up the next day in a hospital bed next to a lady who had been badly beaten up by her boyfriend. She looked at me sympathetically after the curtain had been pulled from around my bed- she’d obviously heard the doctors talking about crisis teams and realised what had happened. I remember smiling sympathetically back, and being so sad for her as police stood beside her bed taking statements. I remember being so confused at my behaviour- I don’t know if I’d wanted to die, I can’t remember my thoughts clearly, but it was definitely an attempt to hurt myself badly, and I had definitely wanted to do that. I don’t have much memory of that evening, but I knew I was stressed about something, and my default response, as usual, was to be angry and blame myself. I thought I deserved to feel pain in some way, and so I didn’t really think twice about what I did next. The lady lying next to me, throwing up from concussion, had been the recipient of anger turned outward from her boyfriend. And I was the recipient of anger turned inward. Both of these ways of expressing anger are obviously very damaging.

When someone hurts us repeatedly, we shut our hearts off to them. We protect ourselves and our heart grows cold in anger. Likewise, when we self-harm or speak negatively over ourselves, we inadvertently shut our hearts off to ourselves- we find it hard to like ourselves, to love ourselves, or to be our own friend. We dislike our own company and we feel deep shame about this internal struggle that no one else seems to have. How is everyone so much more positive than me? How do people have such motivation for self-care?

The good news is that it’s not too late to start healing from this pattern of behaviour. I’m still learning, massively, but here’s a few things that have come to mind during this journey of trying to turn anger away from the self.

Try and pinpoint the earliest occasion you can where you thought something along the lines of “There must be something wrong with me.” Picture yourself in that moment and practice self-compassion- if I went and sat next to that 14 year old girl struggling in school now I would say things like ‘It’s not your fault’ and ‘You didn’t deserve to be treated like this’. I would say these things because with hindsight, I absolutely know these things to be true. Many individuals who have been directing anger inwards for years, have countless struggles that they can look back on and re-frame.

It was not your fault…..It was not your fault….It was not your fault…..It was their issue….It wasn’t because of anything you did……You didn’t deserve that….That wasn’t true…

It can be so healing to re-write the script of your life. To recognise that you were unjust to yourself by turning anger inward- you deserved to be able to express your anger at the time. You deserve to feel healed from these painful memories and be free of the lingering habit of blaming yourself.

It is amazing how having self-compassion for your past self can dramatically change your attitude towards your present self- “If it wasn’t actually my fault that those things happened, then perhaps none of this is my fault either. If I was being wronged then, maybe I am being wronged now.”

Of course, there are occasions when the blame really does lie with us, and where we can justifiably feel angry with ourselves. But for those who have a habit of directing anger towards the self, it is just ‘same old’, and we can struggle differentiating when we have done something wrong, and when we haven’t at all – we constantly apologise, saying ‘sorry’ about everything we do. I realise that I say sorry so much that I’m basically apologising for existing or taking up any space at all.

People with anger turned inward end up feeling hugely ashamed and unworthy. The key thing in healing this is recognising that no matter what your opinion is of yourself, and how worthless you believe yourself to be, your opinion about yourself fades into irrelevance in the presence of God. Our lies are obliterated when we know God’s truth- that we are made in His image and this means we carry inherent worth. God thinks you are worthy, pure, lovely, beautiful; in fact He knows you are these things- it is fact. This is a journey and normally doesn’t happen overnight; only yesterday it truly sunk in that I am in God’s family; this knowledge was in my head, but not in my heart. God will have different truths to reveal to each one of you; if you’d like me to pray with you and ask God what he wants to say to you in particular, please do ask. My friend said to me yesterday ‘In Jesus, you’ll find you’ and it was a wonderful reminder that by focusing on God, my attitude towards myself will start to be renewed and transformed. He doesn’t see any fault in us! Imagine starting to see all the things that are right about you, rather than all the things you perceive to be wrong!

“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.” Ephesians 1:4.

Finally, it is so important to forgive ourselves, to forgive and let go of all of the hurt we have caused ourselves by turning anger inward. Anger should be given to God in prayer, but we have instead aimed it at ourselves; we have tried to take it on, as if we could control it or work it out in some way, but it’s just got heavier and heavier, and life has got more and more self- destructive. Jesus forgave us completely, and so we should forgive ourselves too. Raise a simple prayer to Him- “Help me to forgive myself. Take away this anger and self-hatred. Help me to start recognising anger and help me to give it to you instead of turning it inward. Help me to look after myself and to focus on the truths you are always speaking over me. You are slow to anger and rich in love, and so I will approach myself with rich love and slow anger too.”

It is a journey. And if you are someone who has deep struggles with self-hatred and a history of being far from gentle with yourself, I see you and I know that God can redeem your life.

“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbour his anger forever, he does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:8-12.

“Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’” Psalm 103:2-5.

Psalm 81- Praise Him Alone!

During lockdown I have hugely missed worshipping as a church community. There is something so special and important about being with others who point you to God, and who share mutual adoration of Him. Psalm 81 tells believers to ‘sing for joy to God our strength’ and ‘shout aloud’. There is so much freedom to be found in worshipping God together, and God comes to meet us as we do so (I’ll link some of my favourite worship music below for those who are not familiar with it). Some worship songs speak about the wonders that God has done and the grace he has bestowed upon us. Some speak about the awe and majesty of God. And some are just outrightly praising God, shouting aloud his worthiness. As I pray with Phoebe each night, I say a line and she repeats it, and I find some of the most beautiful prayers aren’t those of requests, but those that praise God- ‘God you are so good. You are so kind. You are so wonderful. God we love you.’ I can always sense the Holy Spirit when I pray these kinds of prayers and they bring such freedom to my heart. Looking to God instead of looking to myself is so freeing! John 8:32 says “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”- I honestly believe there is no faster track to freedom from all our issues than praising the God who created us, loves us and wants the best for us!

Praising God comes as a natural consequence of knowing him. When we truly understand how good God is, we can’t help but praise him- praise is an overflow of our love for Him. I was going to write that it is sometimes harder to want to praise God when things are going badly, but actually I’ve found more praise rising in my spirit this year than ever before. I don’t think I’ve ever quite understood the outrageous kindness and goodness of God in my everyday life more than in recent days. I have had no choice but to turn to Him for all of my needs, and He has provided above and beyond what I could ever have imagined. He has sat with me in my pain, and not constantly tried to correct me or hurry me along. He just knows, understands, loves and speaks hope to me. When things are going well, I often forget to rely on God for my every need, and my praise becomes stale- I look to other things and praise those things instead. Psalm 81 talks of idols that Israel (God’s chosen people) turned to, even after the Lord so faithfully rescued them out of the clutches of Egypt. We can look at Israel and mock their lack of faith in God, but how often do we do exactly the same as them? We forget what Jesus did for us on the cross, and we turn away from God when things aren’t going exactly as we expected. Just as Israel set up false idols to worship, we turn from God to praise our own understanding, the approval of others, the technology we own, the status we are desperately seeking, the wealth, the power, the relationships- the list is endless and will be different for everyone!

The problem with turning to other things, is that they are really dead-ends. They hold no eternal hope. Praising them and holding these things in high esteem may feel good for a while, but we all know how fickle people are, and how trends change, and how quickly things can fall apart. But God is unchanging- Hebrews 13:8 says ‘Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever’. When I look back over my life, I am amazed at how blurry and fuzzy my memories are- some parts of my life seem like a distant dream. But the God that sits next to me now is exactly the same one that held me during childhood trauma and through the epic highs and epic lows of my life in Leeds. He hasn’t changed one bit, and that is the most comforting thing in the world to me. If he hasn’t forsaken me, it means he will continue to stay with me- he doesn’t change his mind! I can’t begin to describe how good a friend God is, and how forgiving and kind a Father he is. To know Him is to love Him- you just can’t help it. To praise Him just makes total sense.

Psalm 81 talks about the heartbreak of God as he sees his people turn away from Him, despite all He has done for them. He says “I removed the burden from your shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket. In your distress you called and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud (he gave his people water when they were doubting his provision)”.  He goes on to say “If only you would listen to me, Israel! You shall have no foreign God among you; you shall not worship any God other than me. I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it”. Isn’t God saying exactly the same to us today? If only you would listen to me! How often do we look at our own circumstances and panic, falling to the floor in despair, when God is offering us everything that we need! Spurgeon says “The story of Israel is only our own history in another shape. God has heard us, delivered us, liberated us, and too often our unbelief makes the wretched return of mistrust, murmuring and rebellion”. As Christians we know the enormous sacrifice God made for us by sending his son to die, yet we don’t really understand the enormity of what this means, and what he has saved us from. We really underestimate our continued desperate need for a saviour and a guide. If God says we needed grace back then, we also need it now, and tomorrow and the next day. The worldly things we look to can never fulfil our need for grace; only the miraculous provision of God can do so. Plus, what he gives is far better. So many times I’ve presented my requests to God and he’s replied with a big fat ‘No!’ to a lot of them, because he has something far better in mind for me! We look to things to fulfil our need for love, but forget to look to the source of love Himself.

Let’s look to Christ before we look to anything else. God says “If my people would only listen to me, if Israel would only follow my ways, how quickly I would subdue their enemies, and turn my hand against their foes!” He promises that if we look to him, we will be “fed with the finest of wheat and with honey from the rock I will satisfy you”. He reserves the very best for us. Don’t assume your ideas are better than God’s- His are far greater! All we need to do is look to him, and open our hearts to be filled with his wisdom and grace. I’m reminded of the miracle of the Widow’s oil in 2 Kings 4:1-7- Elisha met with a widow who was devastated as debt collectors were coming to take her sons as slaves as punishment for her debts. Elisha instructed her to get as many jars as possible from her neighbours, to not hold back! She collected them and he then instructed her to pour oil into each one- as she poured, the oil miraculously kept flowing and flowing and flowing. It wasn’t until she had run out of jars that the oil stopped. She then had enough to repay the debtors. In the same way, our expectation of God is so important! We can open to him a little bit, and he will pour a little bit of himself in. Or, we can open up a lot of ourselves, and leave enormous room in our lives for his wisdom and guidance, and he will meet us in an enormous way. It is only now that I have lost so much, and I have so much emptiness in my life that I’ve offered up to God, that I realise the enormity of his generosity. He has so much love to give- there is nothing greater than receiving his precious self. It is when we open ourselves to him, and let him fill us, that the overflow of praise comes.

I believe the only way to living a fulfilling and worthy life is by emptying ourselves of all the ‘stuff’ that we have raised higher than God in our lives. God deserves the entirety of praise in our hearts. We were created by him, and he knows us deeply. He knows how to fully satisfy all of the longings of our hearts, but we need to create space for him to do so. Make sure to praise him today, and tomorrow and the next day. Speak out the truth of how important God is in your life. Speak out about his goodness and grace and kindness. Speak out about how much you adore him. Lift him higher than your troubles or doubts or worries. Keep lifting him higher and higher; see your love and need for Him increase as you do so. He has done so much for us, he’s doing so much for you, and he will continue to do more and more. Everything else counts as nothing compared the wonder of who He is! Praise Him.

“I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Philippians 3:8).

Housefires – Good Good Father (feat. Pat Barrett) – YouTube

Vertical Worship – Strength of My Life (Lyrics) – YouTube

Here Be Lions – Power When We Worship (Official Live Video) – YouTube

Man of Your Word (feat. Chandler Moore & KJ Scriven) – Maverick City | TRIBL – YouTube

Belonging

All of my life I’ve been desperately searching for somewhere to ‘fit in’ and belong. Despite giving my life to Christ at a young age, I think the concept of belonging to God didn’t quite travel from head to heart, and the majority of my prayers throughout life have been frantically trying to scramble together enough things or people in my life to enable me to feel secure. I have been living out of a place of insecurity, knocking on God’s door and begging him to find me a place to belong and feel comfortable and safe, while all along God was saying “Charlotte, you live here, this is your home. Stop panicking, come out of the cold.”

When we give our lives to Christ, we are ‘born again’- dying to the messed up world that we find ourselves in, and choosing instead eternal life with the God who loves us. He always intended that we felt the most incredible sense of belonging. Adam and Eve felt no shame in the garden of Eden- they didn’t feel like frauds or misfits there. It was their home. When I go to my mum’s house, I don’t think twice about opening the fridge, putting my feet up on the sofa and clicking on trashy day time television because I know that I belong there- I don’t have to tiptoe around in fear or ask permission to do things. She loves me, and she says I belong. In the same way, God made the world and intended for us to fully enjoy it, steward it and look after it. But things went horribly wrong when we made bad choices with our God given free will, and that is where the sense of being lost began. We looked to other things for our sense of belonging because we believed the lie that other things could satisfy more.

Seeking belonging is an innate human need. We want to feel nurtured and loved and cared for by others. God said it wasn’t good for Adam to feel alone! Many things encouraged in Christianity symbolise the incredible intimacy that God wants us to have with him. The church is the bride of Christ, a family of believers who pray together, support one another, and love their community; when done right, it is a stunning picture of God’s love of family and inviting people in. Church is a home where people must feel free to express themselves, to cry and to be honest with each other, but it shouldn’t stop there- churches must point to the one who we truly belong to- Jesus. He is the cornerstone, the only one who can’t let us down, and the only one in whom we can truly find that ultimate sense of belonging. The point of community on earth should always be to point to Christ. Marriage is another stunning example of God’s beautiful plan for mankind. In marriage, husband and wife are said to belong to each other, and to serve one another. It is a lifelong commitment to love, and a place where belonging can be found- but again, spouses should be continually pointing each other to Christ, to welcome people into family, and to point others to Christ- this will look different for every couple.

I can look back at each point in my life and identify a concern I had at each point. Most of these concerns were about building a stable life for myself and somewhere where I could breathe a sigh of relief and say ‘Ahhh, I’ve made it. The work was worth it. I can relax now, I feel that belonging I’ve been craving.’ But we all know that life doesn’t quite work out like that, and the things that we thought would satisfy- top grades, university places, marriage, family, mortgages, careers- don’t quite fill that emptiness inside. It’s like we are building a tower of ‘things’ taller and taller, and eventually things will topple over. Some people go through life relatively unscathed, but of course, death is inevitable, and all these things we worked so hard for come to an end. Some people go through life feeling that they never belong- perhaps you were brought up in a neglectful environment and so you’ve always been desperate for a happy family, perhaps you didn’t do well in school and you felt rejected by teachers, perhaps you have had many friendship problems throughout the years and you’ve always felt like a misfit, perhaps you were betrayed or abused by a partner who promised to love you, or you are going through infertility and wondering where you will find your sense of belonging if you don’t have children. Perhaps you’ve never been able to afford to buy a home, and renting makes you feel like your belonging in the community where you live is more fragile. Perhaps you have always wanted a partner but the right person hasn’t turned up in your life yet. God does want to bless us in this life, and many of these desires are God-given, but it is not his intention that we feel insecure and fragile until these things are fulfilled in our lives. God’s word says that his ‘love is better than life’ (Psalm 63:3) – we don’t have to wait for something on this earth, to fully satisfy the deepest longings of our heart- to feel wanted and loved.

I didn’t realise how much of my sense of belonging came from being married, until my marriage suddenly ended. I was left feeling completely bereft and exposed, wondering where my place was in the world now. We can hide behind our titles or careers and families, thinking we have fully committed our hearts to God, when really we are popping in and out of God’s house and spending most of our time in the houses we have created on the sand, made of all the ‘things’ we have collected to make us feel more secure. Let’s be careful- we are told in the Word of God that we do not belong to this world (John 15:19). We are told that instead, we are “a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light”. When I think about ‘belonging’ in our society, it often involves divisions and cliques and closed doors- we are either invited or we are not. We are often knocking on doors to be accepted, and often rejected. But with Christ it is different- literally everyone is accepted, because of what He achieved on the cross for us. We are no longer disqualified. All divisions, and cliques and closed doors were destroyed forever more when Jesus defeated death- we are all invited into his family! Ephesians 1:5 says “He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will”. How incredible- before any of us were even born, God had seen our desperation for belonging and our need for a Saviour, and sent Jesus to ensure our safe journey home to be with him.

When we give our lives to Christ here and now, the bible says we are ‘born again’- this means we are still living in a fallen messy world, but our souls, the very essence of who we are, is secure forever, adopted into God’s family. 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 says “it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Sprit in our hearts as a guarantee”. We belong forevermore- and the very God who we belong to chooses to live within us. We are God’s temple! (1 Corinthians 3:16-17) We no longer have to strive to be accepted or find belonging in the world- in fact, that is the very opposite of what we should be doing. We should be striving to point others to the true source of all belonging, and where all our hearts desires can be fulfilled forevermore.

As I sit here, convinced of my belonging to Christ, of my adoption to sonship, my fears are gently being quieted. I know that my significance or position in society, or in other’s eyes, does not determine my worth or change my position in the arms of God. In fact, I am more and more aware that many of the things that boosted my sense of belonging, actually added to my insecurities- the fragility of many of these things instils fear. What if I lose my children? What if I lose my home? Where will I find my belonging then? But if we truly understand that our citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20), truly nothing can shake us. Our souls are secure in God. The presence of trouble in our lives does not equate with a lack of the presence of God. I remember my house being burgled in the night whilst my baby son was asleep next to me- it was a frightening experience and the burglar got away with a few of my possessions and my car. I remember having a picture the day before of my room being like a tent, and God’s promise of protection over me. I also remember having the random thought the day before to hide my camera (which had lots of unbacked-up photos on it) in my drawer upstairs which I have never done in the multiple years of having it. The protection of the photos is an example of the beautiful kindness of the Lord, but most importantly, I recall having such a sense of God’s protection over me. I remember thinking that there is something that the enemy, or a thief in the night, can never take away from me. And that is my security and belonging with Christ, draped over my soul like a tent of protection. The bible actually tells us to expect trouble in this life, but when we understand that nothing can separate us from the love of God- “No height, nor depth, nor any other created thing” (Romans 8:39), we can finally rest and our fears can be stilled. When we look at all the things on earth that we find belonging in, the number of things that could separate us from these things is endless. God’s kindness in ensuring that we could would never be cut off from his love when we put our trust in him, is phenomenal. And it is a testament to His outrageous, undeserved love for us.

So what do we do if we have this overwhelming desperation to belong or to fit somewhere? We shouldn’t be ashamed of this desire. In fact, God says he longs to “place the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6) and if you are feeling alone, God doesn’t want you to remain there. Pray that God would show you who to reach out to. And be aware of others who may need your love! But we shouldn’t expect to find complete belonging here on earth- our true belonging can only be found with our creator, and the one who loves us unconditionally through his grace- true belonging is love, after all. We should ask God to dwell in our hearts, and to seek his face. In Psalm 27:4, David says “One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple”. We have access to God’s temple at all times- the veil was torn when Jesus died. We can ask God for help and assurance and comfort at any time. It takes practice to hear his voice, but his presence is always with us. Live by faith and not by sight; have confidence in the fact that he is speaking to you and guiding you. Belonging to him happens when we make the decision to trust him, but really understanding that belonging, and living this truth out, is a daily decision. It is a decision to believe that our deepest longings can only be met in him, that the desperate longings of our hearts can sometimes be wrongly directed. It is a daily decision to trust that God loves us more than any human or community can. It is a daily decision to stay in the home of God, rather than the home we build ourselves. Be led by the spirit rather than your flesh! Go sit on the sofa in your Father’s house where there is an inheritance that is ‘imperishable, undefiled, and unfading’ (1 Peter 1:4) , and rest!

Revelation 21:3- And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.”

1 John 2:15- “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”

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